Hello and Welcome!
During this past month, I was out of town for a full week recording the audiobook for my new book, College Essay Confidence. My dear friend from college hosted me at her home the whole time, and this experience got me thinking about what I believe college is for…
The most valuable parts of the college experience
During the week I stayed with her, my friend of forty years cooked five dinners for me (so much gratitude). While I was in town, she planned a birthday celebration with another lifelong college friend (which is why, on the second day of recording, I was sent home early from the studio with a “tired voice” from talking too much the night before—oops). During the three days after my temporary expulsion from the recording studio, my friend understood that I was under strict instructions for “vocal rest” between sessions (she said later I was the best, quietest guest she’d ever had). Relationships like this, forged during college, were the most valuable part of my college experience, bar none.
Academics and activities had lasting effects on me, as well. In college, I was a double-major in English and Art History, with a concentration in Theater. Mine was the most impractical combination of majors one could ever invent, and yet, I use what I learned through all of them in the work I do today. I learned to research, formulate my own thoughts, articulate them vocally and in writing, and to actively listen and collaborate to everyone’s benefit. In college, I also joined clubs, quit some, and increased involvement in the ones I cared most about.
By the time I graduated, I understood myself better (just as college admission evaluators hope they’ll understand an applicant better by the time they finish reading their personal essay). I felt more confident in my ability to think original thoughts and express them. And of course, I left college with a “found family” of friends, like the one who hosted me during my week of audiobook recording sessions.
What college is not
I hear a lot of people asking prospective college applicants, “What do you want to major in?” and “What future career do you want?”
Boy do these questions spark anxiety. Most kids applying to college are seventeen years old. It’s a rare teenager who is confident about what they want to be when they grow up. Even the ones who believe they know for sure will often change their minds as their brains develop.
I believe these kinds of questions have led to the general populace treating college as a transactional venture. You pay a lot of money for your child to receive an education to prepare them for a lucrative job. But no matter which college they attend, students can’t just receive an education. It’s a give and take.
What college is for
I would argue college should be a space to learn to think and express those thoughts. This thinking and expression takes place in the classroom, in the dorm among peers, in writing, on stage, and elsewhere. I’ve seen first-hand that when students approach college as an opportunity to explore and grow, excitement eclipses fear during the journey through college admissions, once those students land on campus, and beyond. This shift from anxiety to excitement occurs most naturally when students and their parents think of college as an experience, rather than a transaction of money exchanged for a specific outcome.
The way many, many (many) high school students self-sabotage
Many high-achieving students risk their mental and physical health trying to achieve in high school what they think colleges want to see. It breaks my heart. And whether their child is high-achieving or not, I’ve seen hordes of parents stressing over what their child is not doing in high school that the parent thinks the child needs to do to get into a “good” college. When students (and families) spend their high school years focusing (and stressing) about perceived achievement outcomes, they miss so much that will make them mentally healthier and a better candidate for college admission.
Ironically, students who spend their high school years pandering to the college gatekeepers blend together in the college admissions office. Students who stand out are the ones who follow their own bliss.
Some better questions
Students obsessed with outcomes miss out on genuine experiences that could help them figure out answers to much more meaningful question than those about their future majors and careers:
- Who are you today? (This changes from day-to-day, sometimes minute-to-minute for all of us, but it’s worth considering.)
- What are you excited about?
- Who are you becoming?
- What’s your personal definition of success regardless of what other people think? (Again, this changes as we learn and grow.)
- And eventually (beginning no earlier than junior year in high school IMHO), How can college help me become successful on my own terms?
- In College Essay Confidence, I include many more reflective questions to help students dive into deeper reflection.
We can all ask ourselves these or similar questions at every stage of our lives. College is only one of those life stages, lasting only four years (give-or-take) for most students. Thinking about what success means to them personally can help students gain perspective and tamp down stress.
How parents can help their child succeed in college admissions and well beyond
In this day and age, the media and anxious communities tend to focus outward on which activities will look good on a resume or which colleges look good to other people. This makes looking inward and self-reflection a big ask. But parents can help.
Based on my experience coaching high school students and working in college admissions, your child will be happier, healthier, and have a better chance for admission to the best college for them if you…
- let them stop playing soccer if they are burnt out.
- Encourage them to get some rest rather than pull an all-nighter before that test the next day.
- Show them the list of test-optional colleges if the thought of standardized testing gives them hives.
- Take inventory of what you truly gained from the experience if you attended college yourself. What about that brief experience in your life turned out to be most meaningful long term?
- Ask yourself what you want most for your child moving forward. Since almost every parent tells me that they most want their child to be happy and fulfilled, I can promise you that supporting them following their heart will more likely lead to this goal than pushing them toward achievements (not that you do this, just pointing it out).
- Help them gain perspective if they start to spiral (or you do, no shame). College is one big decision about one stage of life, but it’s not the last.
My trajectory I never could have seen coming when I was seventeen
As you’ve already seen, I struggled to choose a single college major once I began exploring and learning more about myself. When I graduated, I still did not have a clear idea of what I wanted to be when I grew up. However, my increased confidence and cognitive abilities meant I was willing to try something.
Well, trying is succeeding in my estimation now, but in my twenty-something brain, I failed at choosing my first job as a paralegal (not a good fit for this creative person). I dusted myself off and tried again. My next job at a noncommercial foodservice magazine was not a dream job for me either, but I moved one step closer to what I truly cared about, and I made additional life-long friends. Eventually, I cobbled together what I’d learned that I loved through the experiences I’d enjoyed along the way. I ended up inventing my own career, for which there is no college major. In some ways, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, and that’s what makes life exciting. Fortunately, at my age, no one ever asks.
Warmly,
Jill
