Hi and Welcome to Our Supportive Community!
“Ivy Day” is here.
Today marks a dubious college admissions “holiday” nicknamed Ivy Day. On this day, the eight famous colleges in the Ivy Athletic League release their notifications on the same day. 95+% of the students who applied to those eight colleges will receive denials. (I’m just the messenger.)
What does a denial mean for your child?
If a denial comes your child’s way today or in the future, it will not be a rejection of your child’s worthiness or your parenting. All it means is that one door has closed. Another community that has opened their door for your kid is eagerly waiting for her to walk through it.
When speculating about “why?” becomes toxic for your kid.
Even if the odds were stacked against the student before they applied, denial from a “reach” school still feels like a blow. (With those odds, Ivy League schools are a reach for everyone.) And even if parents are shocked, and trying to make sense of the college’s decision, speculating about “why?” out loud works like delivering an added gut punch to the disappointed student.
It must be because that recruited soccer player (debate champion, science star, etc.) from his school took his spot.
What your kid hears: I disappointed Mom (or Dad, or anyone deeply invested in your kid’s success).
If he hadn’t quit the investment club (or student council, track team, etc.), his activities would have looked stronger on his application.
What your kid hears: I disappointed Mom.
It was that one “B” in AP Bio (or Algebra II, English, etc.) that doomed him.
What your kid hears: I disappointed Mom.
When the “should’ve’s” start up, it becomes toxic for you, as well.
I should’ve encouraged him to run for President of the Environmental Club.
I should’ve pushed him harder to go see his AP Bio teacher after school.
I should’ve seen that he was struggling with bio and scheduled a meeting with the teacher myself.
What your kid hears: I should’ve tried harder not to disappoint Mom.
You get the idea. Teenagers care a lot about what their parents think, whether they show it or not.
Banish your Inner Troll, who will dwell on all your past (perceived) failures.
I don’t mean to dismiss any disappointment you or your child might feel if they receive a denial. In College Admissions Cracked, I dedicate an entire chapter to helping you handle this time of year when notifications roll in, whether they’re denials, acceptances, or waitlists.
In my new book, College Essay Confidence, I include Brain Booster exercises to help students exile their Inner Troll and invoke their Inner Superhero (we all have both mucking around inside our brain). You can use those Brain Boosters too! I encourage you to feel your feels—just please don’t wallow in them for too long.
Invoke your Inner Superhero, who will get excited about future opportunities.
Oh well, it was a reach, but how exciting that X,Y, and Z universities all want you!
What your kid hears: Mom supports me.
Shifting your child’s (and your) energy toward excitement is the stuff of the Inner Superhero. College notifications are information about options for what happens next, not judgements about worthiness.
Once your kid collects all the colleges’ decisions, it’s her turn. Your child has all the power to decide where and how she’ll spend the next stage of her life. I’m excited for the seniors about to make their college decisions!
High school juniors and younger
I’m also excited for those of you in our community with decisions about where to apply still to come. Empowering your kid to spend their time reaching inward to think about what they want (and less time speculating about which colleges will admit them) will boost everyone’s self-esteem and mental health.
No matter what happens on their college admission journey, your child is still your child, and you still love them (of course). College denials or acceptances have nothing to do with that.
Warmly,
Jill
