My Friend,
I’m writing a new book to help students write their college personal essay and deal with all the accompanying anxiety (or at least some of it). I have descended down a research rabbit hole and want to share with you information I’ve unearthed that I wish I’d known when my children were going through the trials of college admissions that yours are going through right now.
The risk of praising achievements
We’ve all done it, praised our kid for the big win, the outstanding grades, making the team. But studies show that praising only achievements, which our children cannot always control, can lead them spiraling into a fear of failure so deep that perfectionism, avoidance, depression, and anxiety set in.
Praising effort, which our kids can control, increases children’s feelings of agency and self-esteem. This Psychology Today article, Do You Praise Your Teen Effectively? sums it up well.
Removing some college admissions pressure from your teen is in your power!
As much as we wish we could, we can’t single-handedly eradicate all anxiety from our children’s lives, of course. But you can provide relief for your child today by acknowledging how much effort it takes to apply to college in the first place.
I’ll be honest (I am always honest with you). The effort they’re putting forth in their journey applying to college is much more important, developmentally speaking, than any outcome next spring. If you don’t believe me, maybe former President Obama will convince you.
“I have no idea where most of the people who worked for me went to college. I just know: Did they get stuff done or did they not?”
—President Barack Obama 3/13/19
Praise interim victories.
Last month, I suggested that you celebrate your small victories in addition to the big wins for your best possible mental health. When you praise your kid for the difficult steps along the way to college admission, it works the same way.
- Praise your child when they overcome a challenge or disappointment. I am not talking about denial from a first-choice college. I am talking about that moment way earlier, when their school counselor tells them their first-choice college is an “extreme reach” and they need to “cast a wider net” and add more “safety” schools to their college list.
- Praise your child when they bust a move and step out of their comfort zone, no matter the outcome. Auditions for plays and try-outs for teams are terrifying. Kudos to your kid for stepping onto the stage or field to give it a shot, whether they end up in the play or on the team, or not.
- Praise them when they complete their personal essay, a big deal for many students. If that essay your kid is excited about is “good enough,” yet you still have a critique to offer, keep it to yourself. I know it’s a tough ask, but you can do this for the mental health of your child.
- Praise them when they press send on their first college application. This is a monumental moment worthy of celebration—ice cream for all! It took tons of research, decision-making, keeping track of deadlines, writing, and courage to click that “send” button to submit their application into the vast unknown.
- Fist bump them again when they submit their last application. And they deserve a hot fudge sundae with extra whipped cream (so do you) upon completion of financial aid applications!
Sanity Saver
I don’t know about you, but for me, anticipatory anxiety is the worst kind. The following remedy stems from my book, College Admissons Cracked.
The Rule of 5: If it won’t matter in 5 years, it’s not worth 5 seconds stressing about it.
This rule is flexible. Will the thing I’m anxious about matter in 5 years? 5 weeks? 5 hours? 5 minutes?
You’ll be shocked how often the answer is “no.” In 5 years, your child will likely be in college or graduating from college, and interim worries about the college admission process will be long forgotten.
All good (always). No shame (ever).
No guilt allowed if you’ve praised your kid mostly for their accomplishments since birth. Like I said, I wish I’d known more about effective praise when my kids were your kids’ age, yet I did not ruin my children for life with my results-driven praise, and you won’t either.
Your emphasis on effort over achievement starting today will help make your kid’s college admissions journey a whole lot less stressful. As an added bonus, your positive support no matter what the outcome is what they’ll remember about you when they ship off to college.
Warmly,
Jill
