Hello Fellow Parent, and Welcome!
When it comes to college admissions, defining winners and losers isn’t as cut and dry as one might believe. Three real student snapshots follow (with pseudonyms). Are they winners or losers of the college admissions process?
John
John never earned anything but an A throughout high school. He was a co-valedictorian of his class, robotics club president, and an ultimate frisbee player on a winning team. He was also sleep-deprived and perpetually anxious to the point of tears. John applied to thirty colleges, like it was a full-time job, and ended up admitted to an Ivy League university.
Ryan
Ryan was voted captain of his soccer team and well-liked. Ryan had not always been a top student, and college admissions snuck up on him. Suddenly, it was senior year, he wanted to apply to engineering schools, panic about getting in anywhere for engineering struck, and Ryan was not getting along with his parents (because: last minute). He applied to a handful of engineering colleges within less selective large universities that might accept him. And most did admit him. Ryan chose the large public university in the next state over—out-of-state tuition, but the university awarded him a healthy merit scholarship.
Sarah
Sarah told me she was more interested in the college social vibe than academics (just being honest). She wanted to pursue theater costume design and apply to colleges as far away from home as possible (for the adventure). Sarah had been a curious explorer throughout her school years until junior year, when she began to feel the college admissions pressure closing in. She chose to enroll senior year in an AP science class, in which she struggled, over a creative elective she had really wanted to take. As her anxiety grew, Sarah decided to apply early decision to a “target” school (about 50% likelihood of acceptance) hoping to “get it over with” and was admitted.
Who was a winner, and who was a loser?
John, Ryan, and Sarah were all winners of admission to the best college for them, but when it came to their mental health during the college admissions process, they were all losers.
What can we do to help make our children winners both inside and out?
To clarify, your child is already a winner because they have you for a parent! And outwardly, they may be doing just fine. However, the college admissions process can do a number on anyone‘s mental health. Here are a few points to emphasize to help your kid keep (or regain) a mentally healthier perspective as the college admissions adventure unfolds.
- College is a beginning, not an end. Pressure bombards our kids from every direction as applying to college creeps closer. We can be our children’s refuge when we emphasize that college admission is not the culmination of all the student’s hard work or a final judgement of their worth. Any college can serve as a launching point into a shiny new chapter in their young life.
- Chasing prestige is for more for others than for you. The college admissions process can feel like a cutthroat competition when students become fixated on and stressed about admission to one or a few prestigious colleges that they think will look good to the outside world. Planning visits to colleges with a variety of selectivity, then pointing out the positive potential in every college during the visit, will nudge our kids toward a more open, cup-half-full mindset.
- The present is as important as the future. Obsessing over the future, especially college admission, is a missed opportunity for showing up and celebrating what’s important to your child right now—the sporting events, theater productions, art exhibitions, chess tournaments, etc. When a singular focus on future achievement begins to override enjoying life in the present, it’s a mental health loss. (Of the three former students I described, I worry most about John’s anxiety at that Ivy League university next year). Help your kid appreciate present experiences and see their future as wide open with exciting possibilities (rather than a looming black box) for a mental health win.
Sanity Saver—Get out of your head and appreciate the present for the win.
Invite awesomeness in the true sense of the word into your life right now. Here’s a sneak peak at one of the anxiety-busting suggestions for students in my forthcoming book College Essay Confidence. It works for parents too!
Instructions:
- Go outside without your phone. Take a walk, or just hang out for a few minutes or an hour, whatever amount of time you can spare.
- Notice how insanely tall trees are.
- Notice all the life that teems around you, even if you’re on an empty street.
- Notice what you’re noticing, what your body sees, hears, smells, tastes, and feels.
- Surrounding yourself in nature relaxes the brain and invigorates the senses. I hope taking a moment to appreciate the awesomeness outside of your head will help calm your nerves and be your best self when you go back inside.
Ya win some; ya lose some.
We all have our loser moments, but learning from them and applying that knowledge to our future actions transforms losses into wins.
I have seen too many kids sacrifice mental health for achievement in a college admissions process that more often than not works out for the best, as John, Ryan, and Sarah’s stories attest. I believe an important job as a parent is to encourage our children to think about what winning means to them personally, what’s truly worth sacrificing to win, and what is not. There’s always a chance our teenagers will listen.
Warmly,
Jill
